Personal Hibernation: When Grief and Impostor Syndrome Meet
Have you ever heard of Bears Hibernating in the winter? Where they basically hunker down for the season and wait for the winter to pass to go back outside? I’m now realizing that I am more Bear-like than I thought (Go Bears!).
Over the years, I’ve noticed my relationship with Fall/Winter has changed. I noticed how my very existence has been molded to work hard, to excel at things, and to have a secure income the entire year — particularly as a child and young adult. After years of therapy and my own continuous inner healing, I’m noticing how a lot of those goals/ideals no longer serve me, at least not to that level. November and December used to have very happy moments for me as a kid—big family parties, prepping food together, large amounts of yummy Mexican foods, and lots of dancing and laughing. As I got older, those moments became almost non-existent. Over the years, my family has also gotten older, tragedies have happened, and months begin to collect memories of dearly departed- November and now December are a part of those months.
As a kid, I did not understand grief- I also didn’t know HOW to grieve. And to be honest, there’s no real answer or “how-to”. But I know that before, I used to pretend I didn’t hurt. I used to pretend I didn’t remember. I spent a lot of years según looking “forward to the holidays” but in reality despising them deep down inside. I didn’t understand that the holidays not only meant that we no longer had the big family gatherings, but they no longer included all the beautiful people that I love since they were no longer with us.
As a young adult, I began to connect the dots. I knew I didn’t enjoy the holidays — at least not as I did when I was a child. I knew that they holidays brought a lot of conflicting feelings. I knew that the holidays meant that I missed people 1000x more than I had throughout the year. As a young adult, I recognized how tired my body felt. How emotionally drained I was. But I felt I had no choice but to keep working hard- keep pushing through- keep excelling at things— to be able to secure that income. That hardcore perfectionist and superwoman manifested into a person who didn’t accept any moments of slowing down. That perfectionist and superwoman had one thing in mind: “Let me get that money!” Growing up, slowing down meant you were huevona (lazy). There was no room to chill because “idle time was wasted time.” Little did I know that this would be something that would later get me to a point where I felt complete burnout, hives from stress, and anxiety. I just want ya’ll to know, its okay to feel like those ideals worked for your parents but may not work for you. My immigrant parents are the greatest superheros out there! They worked hard and did what they could as a form of survival— to put food on the table and a secure roof over our heads. But that mindset no longer serves me. My job is to recognize how my work ethic can be a mixture of being hardworking like my parents, but actually also using up my sick time/vacation time when it’s needed— even for mental health days off. It also means that I can listen to my body come November and December time!
There are moments when my impostor syndrome comes up in these months— “I’m not doing enough” “If I say no to this project they won’t want to hire me again.” “Why would they hire ME?” I notice that these months have felt better over the years, more manageable. And it all started with me giving myself permission to stay in bed longer, go to bed earlier, binge on movies as I sip on warm drinks, or simply cuddle under a warm cobija. As I’ve gotten older and become more aware, I can see how my mood and functioning transform as the year progresses. Around the beginning of the year (January/ February) I want to hit the ground running like a road runner. I want to get my hands on all the projects and say yes to all the workshops and all the clients. I get to a point where I’m thriving and no one can stop me, not even myself. Then as the months progress, I hop around a little more like a bunny, still energized but some pauses here and there. Closer to the end of August/September time, I can feel the year coming to an end— I feel it! And I feel more and more like a turtle. Already getting to the point where I can feel myself slowing down, taking things one step at a time, knowing that deep down inside the turtle still gets the job done. Once end of October hits, the fall comes rolling in, I’ve gotten to that point— I’m officially a Bear. I see myself wanting to slow down further, to truly sit with my clients and hold space for them in the holidays too. I see myself being more attuned to my own needs, wanting more time in bed, wanting more warm cobijas, wanting more warm soups. So yes, I’ve felt this before, but no, I didn’t entertain it until now.
Wow! How much I have grown. I can’t sit here and lie and say that I no longer grieve for my cousins, my grandpas, and now my grandma. I can’t sit here and say that I’m all “healed.” Because to be quite honest, grieving is an experience that I see now doesn’t go away — it just transforms into something more manageable. Now that I am older, I am aware of how the mold I was brought into, to be a high-achiever, makes it difficult for me to accept that my body needs a break these months. Not only because of the time change and the weather, but because of all the emotions that come with the holidays and the months nearing the closing of a hardworking year. As I’ve gotten older, I also recognize that “success” and “happiness” are not tied to money- they’re tied to me feeling calm, me enjoying the moment, and me making space for the emotions that I experience. I have the privilege to have a job that pays more than what my parents made. I have the privilege to have and use my sick time and vacation time without fear of losing my job. I also have the privilege to have access to health insurance. And most importantly, I have the privilege to know how to navigate systems (to some degree) that are not built for monolingual immigrant parents. So yes, some ideals may not serve me, but others will motivate and teach me to DO IT FOR THEM and for our FUTURE GENERATIONS.
I hope it motivates you too.